How little it takes these days...

He told me on Thursday night that he was going to leave on Friday. Just when I'd gotten used to Saturday, another day was gone. I understood why he needed to do it - by sitting at home for another day, he was just prolonging the inevitable. We actually had a nice day on Friday. I helped him pack, I cried, we snuggled and talked about how much it was going to suck. He mentioned that he'd be lost without his DVR and wireless internet. Without even thinking, I blurted out "you're not doing this so you can lay around and do the same 'nothing' you've been doing here, you're doing this so you can work your stuff out and get healthy." I immediately wished I hadn't said it, thinking he'd be pissed at me, but he acknowledged that I was absolutely right and he was glad I said it, because it needed to be said.

I helped him bring his stuff to the car, and after a few lingering hugs and kisses, I watched him drive away. I went back inside and bawled for about 10 minutes, then dusted myself off, emailed a few friends who know the story (I've since opened up to a few friends, and they've been incredibly supportive), and got to setting the house in order (it's been trashed).

I've been a little lonely, but I've been keeping busy with housework, errands and laundry. We've only spoken on the phone once, but texted more than usual (usual = rarely, but this is at least an improvement and I'll take it).

So when I saw his cell phone number on the caller ID, I got excited, thinking we'd have a nice conversation. But... notsomuch.

Oy. Allow me to provide a little backstory:

So, I do all the finances. Including both of our personal accounts. He had never really used his personal account, he'd just been using the debit card from the joint account, so when he got the debit card for his personal account, I asked him if he wanted me to set up his online banking and he said yes.

Last week, I went to transfer some money from one sub-account to another within our main joint account and accidentally transferred it into his personal account. So I logged into his personal account and transferred it back to the joint account (minus some money that I was leaving in there for him to spend while he was gone).

Enter today's phone call...

Thinking he was just calling to say hi and have a chat, I was so happy to answer the phone. Unfortunately, the first words out of his mouth were an angry spew - "what were you doing in my account and why did you take money out of it," and his tone suggested he was accusing me of stealing money from him. He said he had deposited money into his account and now some of it was gone. I explained what happened, and he sounded like he didn't believe me. And apparently he forgot the conversation where he wanted me to set up his online account (he frequently forgets stuff like that, which is all the more frustrating), because THEN he asked me why I'd set up his online banking and told me that it was creepy that I'd been in his account, even to correct an error I'd made.

Ugh.

I'd been doing so much better than I expected. I'd barely even shed a tear since he left. I'm sure staying focused on the house has had quite a bit to do with that, but still, it's something. But that conversation left me bawling again. He apologized for sounding like he was yelling at me, he said he was just surprised - and not in a good way - and that he just doesn't want me having access to his personal account. I can understand that, but why so upset about it that he has a reaction that makes me feel two inches tall, regardless of his intent?

I just want my fun, fun-loving, goofy husband back.

I picked up a copy of Rage Against the Meshugenah at the library today. I think I need to dive in - there's so little out there about male depression. I need insight.