Something I Didn't Have Before

I've mentioned previously my familiarity with the blogging world, and some of those who are famous within it. I only vaguely knew of Anissa Mayhew prior to her current crisis, but with the number of popular bloggers I follow, it's no surprise that I heard about it right away. You'd not be amiss in wondering what Anissa's plight has to do with mine. As it turns out, not too terribly much, but something her husband wrote regarding the support he's received over the last couple of weeks really hit home for me. He posted this quote from one of his (and my husband's) favorite shows, Firefly:

"When you can’t run, you crawl. And when you can’t crawl, when you can’t do that…you find someone to carry you."

Since I came clean to my husband a few weeks ago about the fact that I've been feeling downright terrible for a while, he's really stepped up to the plate. Sure, he's had a few insensitive moments*, but hey - I've been dealing with this on and off for years. He's NEVER experienced me this bad, and he's only known how bad I've been feeling for a week or two. He's a lot more understanding of my mopeyness, my lack of basic housekeeping, my desire to do nothing more than lay on the couch and watch TV (or sit on the computer and lose myself in Twitter and Facebook for hours on end)

What makes this so incredible to me is that when I'd gotten this bad in the past, I'd never asked for help from anyone close to me. When I had low points, I kept people in the loop, but never really felt it was my place to burden them by asking them to help, or to ask for understanding, or to let them know that there might be times where I'll be a mess, but if they were able to bear with me that they might catch a glimpse of "normal" me from time to time.

Not that I want to say that he's obligated, but after an almost twelve-year relationship and seven years of marriage, the whole "love/honor/cherish, sickness/health" thing finally tripped a fuse in my strange little head, and I spoke up. And he's been great so far. I still suffer from bouts of intense loneliness, but even though he's not perfect, I know he's there and he's trying to understand and help. And that's so much more than I've ever had before.

And man, am I gonna owe him a lot when we make it out the other side - quite possibly my life.

*(Yes dear, I really do need the multiple strands of lights on the tree to match each other. Yes dear, I understand that in a perfect world, to a normal person, the store running out of the lights I bought this year probably wouldn't be cause for tears. Yes dear, I realize that having a nice Christmas is more important than matching lights. No dear, my Christmas will not be ruined if the lights are mismatched, but I like them to match and unmatched lights will be a source of anxiety for me. And yes dear, I will feel like I'm being judged for not having matching lights, which will make the anxiety worse)