Further Complicating my Holiday Blues

It's especially hard for me to fight the blues at this time of year. I live far away from where I grew up. I've been back for Christmas twice since I left over a decade ago, and the first time was the day after Christmas. Of the last 12 Christmases, I've spent ONE actual Christmas Day with my family.

Part of the problem is that we don't always have the money for me to go. Another part is that my husband's an only child, so I'd feel guilty taking him away from his mom on Christmas (even though we never do Christmas on Christmas Day, and I know she understands), and yet another part is that my husband doesn't like to fly, so we'd need enough vacation time to make it worth driving.

But what kills me around this time of year is that my husband gets upset when I say I want to "go home" for a holiday. I can truly and honestly say that I now consider where I am to be my home. But where I came from will always be "home" as well. And just because I refer to the place I grew up as home, doesn't mean here is any less home. They're both home.

I think the thing that bugs him the most about it is that invariably, when I say I want to go home, I follow it up with "I haven't spent X holiday" with my family in a long time. It's the family thing that gets him. We should have been a family by now. We are, but it's the two of us and our four-legged furkids. No kids yet. And he's an only child, so for holiday functions it's just the two of us and his parents. Where I grew up, I have my immediate family, plus aunts, uncles and cousins. Fifteen of us versus four of us.

I have a very hard time with this because I feel like it's all my fault that he's upset. Like,he's upset because he feels like I don't think I'm home (which isn't true). Like we're not a family yet because we don't have kids (more on that in another post). Like his parents and his home state and just being us in our little world of cozy isn't enough for me. Like because we love each other so much and even though things are rough sometimes they could be much, much worse, that I shouldn't get melancholy around the holidays. Like I shouldn't miss what I grew up with. And it hurts that sometimes I feel like I can't be sad around him, can't express how much I miss my family's traditions, because we haven't really done a bang-up job at starting our own.

Sometimes, I just want someone to understand, and hug me, and just be there for me, without making me feel guilty for having the feelings I do.

And most of the time, I just want that someone to be my husband.