Baby Brain Dump

One source of anxiety I didn't have when I was in college is the fact that my husband and I have been together for over a decade, we both want to be parents, but we're not.

It's not like we've been trying for years and haven't succeeded. Quite the opposite, actually. We've spent so much of our relationship living paycheck-to-paycheck that we never really felt it was appropriate to bring a child into the mix. And now he's in his late 30s and I'm approaching my mid 30s, and while the money situation still sucks, we're feeling the "now or never" pull. And of course since we very much would like it to be now as opposed to never, it appears as though I've stopped ovulating within the past couple of years. A recent biopsy confirmed it, and I have recently gotten a referral to the local university's fertility clinic. And while my husband understood why I wanted him there for the biopsy, he wasn't without a comment here and there about whether he actually needed to be there. You need to be here because I need you here. I can't give you a better reason that that. Is there a better reason than that? And when he was still making comments about it, I said something to the effect of "I'm scared. I don't know what this is going to be like. I'm going through this so we can have a baby, the least you could do is be there for me without editorializing." He got pissed, told me that it wasn't fair of me to say that, and asked me not to play that card again, to not "emotionally crowbar" him with "passive-agressive bullshit." And when I told him when the fertility clinic appointment is, he said "oh, do I need to be there? You know how I am with Monday mornings."

As as aside: Gentlemen. If you want - more than anything - a biological child, and your Bride is potentially facing infertility issues and worrying about whether her body will allow her to give you That Which You Most Want in This World, no matter your feelings on the situation, the proper response to "We have an appointment at the fertility clinic on such-and-such date at such-and-such time," is "alrighty, I'll make sure I'm up and ready to go with you," NOT "oh, do I need to be there? You know how I am with Monday mornings." Yes, you're scared. Yes, you're nervous. But no matter how many times you assure your Bride that you're in this together and she has your support and that's not really what you meant, the sting of those words being The First Out of Your Mouth will linger for a while and could potentially lead her to wonder, if ever so slightly in the back of her mind, if you really want to be at any future appointments you attend with her. Hopefully that won't be the case, but be prepared for the fact that she may wind up feeling lonelier than she's ever felt.

I'm guessing you're not as enthusiastic about it because you're scared and nervous. And maybe that comment slipped out as a manifestation of that fear and nervousness. And if you are scared and nervous, I'm guessing you haven't talked to me about it because I've been in a downward spiral for a few months now and you don't want to burden me with that. But please... please believe me, I understand that you're nervous. Yes, I understand you're scared. I AM TOO. But I don't GET the luxury of being too nervous or scared to go to these appointments. According to you, I DO have the luxury of not going. But if I don't go, we don't have a baby. And then I get the "luxury" of wondering when the other shoe's going to drop and suddenly you're going to decide that you resent me because I wasn't able to give you a child. And I KNOW how important it is to you to have a biological child. I need your support. We need each other's support.

Please don't make me feel like I'm your mother telling you to do something. I'd hope that you wouldn't be viewing it as an obligation, rather as an opportunity for us to be available to support each other.