First fight of the new togetherness

Hubby came home last week. It's been fantastic to have him home, and he likes the changes I've made. Unfortunately, I wasn't done with the redecorating, and the house was messy when he came home - this is something that frustrated him before he left, because even though it was ten times worse when he left as it is now, it's still messy. He seems to be feeling better, but he's been frustrated because he wants to clean, he wants to contribute to the running of his own house, but he's not sure where to start. Plus, when he came home, he decided that the couch no longer exists, so he can't fall back into old patterns, but within the last couple of days he's been spending a little time here and there on "the couch that doesn't exist."

Today, I called in to work. I'm starting to get really anxious about the lack of productivity and the couch thing, and there you have it. I thought we'd have a nice day, beautiful weather, getting the house finished and presentable...

Yeah, April-Fools-pranked myself on that one.

HUGE fight.

See, we're just starting to dip our toes into a little light BDSM. He's got a very dominant personality, and I like a nice spanking every now and then. But what I don't like is talking about my sex life to people I don't know. I'm okay doing it here because it's semi-anonymous, but in public? No thanks. And last weekend at the bar, a drunk guy told hubby he needed a spanking. Hubby blew it off, but the guy said it a few more times, and hubby said "I don't get the spankings, I'm the one who gives them out."

Sorry, no dice. I'm one of those people who will discuss pretty much any sexual topic, I'm fairly educated on many of them, I have no problem with what anyone else does as long as it's all between consenting adults, I'm very sex-positive and think that people shouldn't be embarrassed to admit what they like if directly asked. And I don't know if this will make any sense at all, but there's a difference between telling people what you like and telling them exactly what you DO. MY sex life is something that I don't want discussed in public. And that's MY prerogative. That's MY boundary. And from what I understand about BDSM so far, boundaries are important. But hubby doesn't necessarily see it that way. He doesn't see anything wrong with what he said and he thinks I'm blowing it out of proportion. And at one point in the argument, I did blow it out of proportion by making it sound like he was going to take out a billboard ad, advertising the fact that he spanks me and I like it. But seriously? I just want some things in our life to be between us. And even though it could have been construed as a joke, it wasn't a joke because it is our life and it annoyed me and I was uncomfortable.

But 15 minutes after I apologized for blowing it up, he was still berating me for accusing him of something he hadn't done, and unfortunately for me, I was becoming incredibly frustrated. Also unfortunately for me, when I get extremely frustrated, I tend to throw things. Which just makes me look like I'm being a completely irrational banshee, but is really just my signal that something or someone is really frustrating me and I feel like I'm not being understood.

I hate that that's my reaction to frustration, because then he stats calling me crazy. I feel like I'm nuts enough for being medicated, unable to control my anxiety and depression and need both a psychiatirst and a therapist (my insurance requires both). I know he didn't mean it, but calling me crazy is just a low blow.

If this doesn't speak volumes...

To me, horoscopes are just for fun, and always entertaining when something hits right on the money, but this got me. A friend of mine is the same sign as my husband, and this is their horoscope for today:

You are in a period of change and editing, and this will play a role in your romantic affairs today. You are going through a time where the realization is upon you that the changes need to come from within if you want to see success in your romantic goals. These changes may simply involve something as simple as a new haircut or a wardrobe update, and this will give you a sense of confidence to pursue your romantic dreams with the energy you need. Or, you may need to make some changes at the internal level, and a period of reflection today will help you with the clarity you need to make long lasting changes with your emotional experiences. The changes you start today are only the beginning, as you can expect a period of growth that will bode very well in terms of the big picture on the romantic front.

Wow.

He's still hoping to be home by this weekend. Fingers crossed.

Little surprises

We spoke last night, and he said that a little birdie told him I wouldn't be working today, and that he'd love to have lunch with me after his doctor appointment today. It was actually yesterday that I was off, and he sounded disappointed. I started having anxiety issues, knowing he'd be in town and I wouldn't be able to see him. So I called in and surprised him - I went to his doctor's office and was sitting in his car waiting for him when he got out. We had a nice time together, a nice lunch, some car snuggle time, and - get this - no tears when we parted ways. He said he's feeling a little better, and it was so nice to see him a little more content than he was last time we got together, and it was so nice to be able to spend some time together, knowing that this whole thing is almost over (he's thinking it might just be another week or so). It gives us both just the right amount of time - I have some projects left to do at home, and he has some projects left to do at his mom's house (she's been putting him to work, LOL).

I'm more optimistic than I've been in a while, and it feels so good.

Michael Buble really spoke to me today:

Life can show no mercy
It can tear your soul apart
It can make you feel like you've gone crazy but you're not
Things have seemed to change
There's one thing that's still the same
In my heart you have remained
And we can fly fly fly away

'Cause you are not alone
And I am there with you
And we'll get lost together
Until the light comes pouring through
It's when you feel like you're done
And the darkness has won
Babe, you're not lost
And the world's crashing down
And you can not bear the cross
I said, baby, you're not lost

Keeping perspective

He says misses me. He says he wants to see me. But within 24 hours after I told him when I was available, he made other plans at those times/on those days.

Not about me, not about me, not about me.

I understand that him being away is what he needs to do for himself, and I understand that my feelings are not all he needs to be considering right now.

Not about me, not about me, not about me.

But that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt that we haven't seen each other in over a week (very unusual for us), but he chose to make other plans at the times I was available.

Not about me, not about me, not about me.

He's told me that I'm being incredibly awesome about the whole thing and that he will owe me so much when this is done. He appreciates everything I'm doing.

Not about me, not about me, not about me.

I'm grateful that he recognizes this is hard for me, too, and that I'm stepping up and doing the best I can with the cards I've been dealt.

Providing additional perspective is the ordeal a friend of mine is going through - she took her daughter and left her husband tonight after finding something on his computer he'd promised her he was over. I feel guilty that her horrible situation is what's giving me perspective, but I'm so thankful we don't have children in the mix right now. He thinks that if we had a child/children that this may not have happened, but we can never be 100% sure.

Just say hi. Please?

I know, I know, I know this is not my deal. He's gone so he can work on himself. But I can't pretend his absence doesn't affect me. Almost as bad as bedtime is when I text him and don't get a response for hours, if at all.

Maybe about 3 months ago, he and I had a fight about whether it's common courtesy to at least send a response text, especially to your spouse, regardless of whether or not it addresses any question that's been posed. He said something that is very similar to a line in one of my favorite Van Morrison songs:

And if you never hear from me
That just means I would rather not

Thanks, Van. So, can you tell me why my husband doesn't want to send me a response text? He'd mentioned in that same fight that sometimes he just doesn't feel like responding. I have a feeling I know why - in his mind, that fight wasn't about my expectation of common courtesy from the person who's supposed to love me most in the world, it was about me trying to control him. It doesn't matter what I say, there's just so much that he sees as me trying to control him. And since the past couple of months have been quite a bit about how he feels I always try to have control over everything, and how part of this time away from home has been about him trying to recapture the independence he feels it's been so long since he had, I think this is him trying to have some independence and control.

Aren't there ways to gain control of your life that don't involve something so petty as ignoring your wife when she's trying to talk to you? Every time he chooses not to respond, out of some sort of notion that I'm trying to control him by not thinking some common courtesy is too much to ask from my spouse, I really wonder if he knows how that chips away at my ability to be able to rely on him. If I can't count on him to even acknowledge that I've made an attempt to communicate with him, what can I count on him for?

The combination of a ring and a piece of paper doesn't mean you can throw courtesy and respect for one another out the window, in fact, it means there should be more. And I'm feeling incredibly disrespected. I really hope this is just a symptom of what's been eating at him for the last few months, because if this is going to be a permanent fixture of his independence, that will definitely be a problem.

Feeling ungrateful

Thanks to the help of some awesome friends, there are now curtains on every window of the apartment, the bathroom is freshly painted and I have a new medicine cabinet assembled and hung. The apartment is really starting to come together. I'm waiting on the delivery of a new headboard and two of those end tables that double as cat pan covers, and I would really like to do some painting in the dining room and bedroom. I'm turning our place into a home. All of this should make me happy. But it's not even coming close.

I just want my Pumpkin. :(

Getting there

We ended up having lunch together. Before we went into the restaurant, we had a nice, long conversation in the parking lot. We frequently have our best conversations in the car for some reason, and it went well. I need to stay focused on the fact that this is not so much about me as it about his need to figure himself out and establish some more independence. When he was still living with his parents (before we met), he was more than happy to let his mom take care of his affairs - he really couldn't have cared less, and it made her feel better to do it. When we got together, I was more than happy to take over where she was leaving off, so he's never really done a whole lot in that regard. For example, it's only in maybe the last five years that he's started making his own doctor appointments. And me trying to maintain some control freaks him out because he wants to start doing things for himself.

Once we got inside, it was just so nice to be able to spend some time talking to him that I didn't actually mind that I didn't care for my food - I was out with my husband after five days of not seeing him. It was so nice to see him and be able to hug him and kiss him, but it was so hard to go home without him. I bawled most of the way home, and for a few minutes after I got home.

I have high hopes for this coming week - higher than I probably should. After a long, dreary winter, it is supposed to be sunny and in the high 40s/low 50s. Spring is on the way, and it's his favorite season. My husband + outside + nice early spring weather = Awesome moods and an improved outlook. Every year. I should start calling him my little crocus - at the end of winter/beginning of spring, he pokes his head up, looks toward the sun, and just shines. I'm really hoping the upcoming week will do him worlds of good.

As far as redecorating goes, I have a bunch of supplies, with some more on the way. I bought the paint for the bathroom this afternoon - leave it to a foodie to find a paint color named after food. Within the next couple of days, the bathroom will have a couple of fresh coats of "Fresh Biscotti."

I'm having some girlfriends over this weekend, and rather than us going out for dinner, I'll be making something yummy and healthy. Hopefully one of them will bring wine. ;)

Going to bed alone is still the hardest, and I go back to work on Monday. We'll see how that goes. I'm not really feeling up to it, but I'm out of paid leave, and I guess I have to go back sometime.